As the children get older, reflected in their behavior is my lack of patience, frustration with interruptions, and tendency to respond with annoyance to everything. Often at night when everyone is finally asleep I lay awake thinking of how I should have listened more attentively, yelled less, and hugged more often. I continually have to ask for God’s forgiveness and beg him to help change me. I want to wake up in the morning with my loving attitude and start fresh, but find the cycle quickly returns.
My prayer to change has been selfish and lazy. How? I wanted God to just “poof” and suddenly I would be a fun loving attentive mom. I didn’t want to have to work to change. My prayer had to change before I would. When my prayer changed from “You fix me” to “help me fix myself” something wonderful happened. I started to change.
I pray for knowledge to recognize when I need to change, so I have the opportunity to correct my actions right away. More and more I see my inappropriate response. “Please God more strength to redirect the ugly me to a loving me!” Those glorious moments when I succeed in changing during a grown-up temper tantrum are awesome. Everyone walks away more peaceful, kinder and happier. “Thank you, God“. Of course now I feel really guilty when I know I am screwing up and keep going because it seems easier and more ego satisfying to just finish the emotion I started with. “Lord, perseverance to die to self please!”
I pray for understanding to see myself through my children’s eye. Yuck! How uncaring I often appear. “Remind me to look them in the eye, touch them with sincere tenderness.”
I pray for fortitude to not make them feel like an unimportant nuisance. “Help me meet their needs now not when it is convenient, not when I feel like it or if I remember later.”
I pray for wisdom to know how to respond to chaotic situations. “What is the just way to settle this argument so my children develop honest, empathetic character?”
I pray for counsel. “How do I respond to this difficult question I am not prepared for, with an answer that will help my children develop properly formed consciences?”
I pray for piety and fear of the Lord. “These are Your souls entrusted to my care. Help me guide them back to You.”
I have a long way to go, but with God’s grace there is small improvement. Maybe I have time to correct some of the lessons I have taught them before they have children of their own. With eight of them chances increase at least one of them will turn out okay. 
Posted by jessica
Add Comment |
Faith
Conservative talk radio and Christian rock radio is usually playing in the background of my home. I use the radio to drown out the unpredictable sounds of the older children while the baby sleeps. A couple of days ago on one of the local Christian stations a protestant speaker was talking about how we respond to tribulation. He had mentioned that what words we fill ourselves with will be our first response. How often do annoyed, angry, cursing words escape our lips when we are confronted with pain, interruptions, and challenges. We are called to find comfort in Christ and praise our Father even in times of distress. I am ashamed to admit that I do not always call out to Christ first.
Since moving to the country we don’t have television and mostly watch kid friendly movies, educational programs, and historical documentaries on DVD. With all our little ears I don’t listen to secular radio. The only magazines I read are about nature, scouting, computer/small business, and faith. There are so many catholic books I want to read I rarely read anything else with the occasional exception of livestock, history and current events. With this self imposed limited exposure to pop culture a lot of violent, perverse, and foul words, images and ideas no longer stream into my conscience. In their absence I fill their long abused space with thoughts of a more divine, self examining and correcting nature. The lyrics in my head are no longer about hopelessness, selfish ego satisfaction, and moral relativity. They are lyrics of faith, hope, self giving love, and truth. I want to fill my mind with thoughts that motivate me to change myself for the better, grow into a more loving wife and mother, and encourage me to spread the Good News to others. I am happier and more peaceful now than any other time in my life, even while facing my greatest responsibilities and commitments.
Several weeks ago I blogged about injuring my foot. (It still hurts if I walk too much) At the time it happened I screamed in pain and then I heard my voice crying out to Jesus over and over. Even in my pain I was aware that this was not my usual response to hurt. It was however a response I prayed to be able to give
Thank you Lord for this wonderful time and space to blossom into who I should be and not who I thought I wanted to be. Thank you for the ability to learn to know You better through Your written word and the example of Your Saints. Please fill me with your Spirit so that your Spirit will be what flows out of me. Amen
Posted by jessica
1 Comment |
Faith
Reading the lives of saints and catholic authors I have always felt inadequate in the “never ceasing to pray” department. I thought it impossible to always have God on my mind and lips. The idea of thinking of God 24/7 seemed exhausting. How could I get anything done if I was always praying? In one of the older catholic prayer books I was blessed to have been given, it was recommended to start with a short prayer. A simple, “Help me God” or “Thank you Jesus”. It seemed silly and childish, but easy! I wanted to praise God and think of Him, but distractions were ample with crying children, dirty floors…
My excuse for not praying more was always time and lack of quiet. A couple of years ago I read, Holiness for Housewives and Other Working Women. While reading this book it finally dawned on me that He doesn’t expect me to pray the same routine as a cloistered nun or even as a woman whose children have left the nest. I didn’t need to have an hour a day by myself to read scripture and meditate. My prayer has to be of the work variety.
I offer up cleaning the same floor four times in the span of two hours because of milk, tracked in chicken poop, potty training toddler, and dog-water-bucket-splashing-children-who-should-know-better. God is praised for the miracle of life as I wash perfect baby toes and soft toddler curls. God is thanked for the wonderful husband who works hard to provide for us as I prepare dinner. God’s creation is marveled at his while taking nature walks with my young explorers. God’s wisdom is sought as I struggle to answer about evil in the world to growing adolescents. God’s peace is sought as I try to stay calm with the chaos of eight little people around me. Reflection of the Gospel story is pondered while I pray the rosary folding laundry, doing dishes, or cuddling freshly bathed PJ wearing children during our evening family rosary. My scripture reflections are often from one of the children’s school books. God’s holy saints are learned about from Lucas when he retells a story from one of his Seton books. (When I win the lotto I never play, I want to get the full Seton curriculum for all my kids.) Even illness is an opportunity to offer praise and gratitude to our Father! Illness is a great guilt reliever to stay in bed and read the Bible, or about the life of a Saint of my choosing.
In the beginning of my quest for more time in prayer I would often forget my goal. Anxiety about managing life or just “busyness” would distract me. For me it has been a slow habit to form. Having religious objects and pictures around the house serves as a great reminder. Teaching the children to say a prayer as an emergency vehicle passes or for souls in purgatory when passing the cemetery, and Grace before meals helps because they don’t forget and enjoy these family prayer times. When it takes my exhausted, scattered brain three or four tries to say one Our Father and actually concentrate on all the words, I know that God is happy with my small imperfect attempt to connect with Him. God has blessed me with my many “interrupters”. He expects me to pray through their care not despite it!
Posted by jessica
1 Comment |
Faith
In my last entry I thanked God for the strengh of His shepherds. This morning I awoke to an email that Fr. Newman’s parish site is down and he is not allowed to talk about the subject of his letter. His monsignor can silence him, but I will raise my voice and cry out in the wilderness! Will you?
Father’s letter:
Dedication of the Lateran Basilica in Rome
9 November 2008
Dear Friends in Christ,
We the People have spoken, and the 44th President of the United States will be Barack Hussein Obama. This election ends a political process that started two years ago and which has revealed deep and bitter divisions within the United States and also within the Catholic Church in the United States. This division is sometimes called a “Culture War,” by which is meant a heated clash between two radically different and incompatible conceptions of how we should order our common life together, the public life that constitutes civil society. And the chief battleground in this culture war for the past 30 years has been abortion, which one side regards as a murderous abomination that cries out to Heaven for vengeance and the other side regards as a fundamental human right that must be protected in laws enforced by the authority of the state. Between these two visions of the use of lethal violence against the unborn there can be no negotiation or conciliation, and now our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president. We must also take note of the fact that this election was effectively decided by the votes of self-described (but not practicing) Catholics, the majority of whom cast their ballots for President-elect Obama.
In response to this, I am obliged by my duty as your shepherd to make two observations:
1. Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ’s Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation.
2. Barack Obama, although we must always and everywhere disagree with him over abortion, has been duly elected the next President of the United States, and after he takes the Oath of Office next January 20th, he will hold legitimate authority in this nation. For this reason, we are obliged by Scriptural precept to pray for him and to cooperate with him whenever conscience does not bind us otherwise. Let us hope and pray that the responsibilities of the presidency and the grace of God will awaken in the conscience of this extraordinarily gifted man an awareness that the unholy slaughter of children in this nation is the greatest threat to the peace and security of the United States and constitutes a clear and present danger to the common good. In the time of President Obama’s service to our country, let us pray for him in the words of a prayer found in the Roman Missal:
God our Father, all earthly powers must serve you. Help our President-elect, Barack Obama, to fulfill his responsibilities worthily and well. By honoring and striving to please you at all times, may he secure peace and freedom for the people entrusted to him. We ask this through Our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God for ever and ever.
Amen.
Father Newman
Monsignor Laughlin’s response:
CHARLESTON, S.C. (November 14, 2008) - This past week, the Catholic Church’s clear, moral teaching on the evil of abortion has been pulled into the partisan political arena. The recent comments of Father Jay Scott Newman, pastor of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Greenville, S.C., have diverted the focus from the Church’s clear position against abortion. As Administrator of the Diocese of Charleston, let me state with clarity that Father Newman’s statements do not adequately reflect the Catholic Church’s teachings. Any comments or statements to the contrary are repudiated.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “Man has the right to act in conscience and in freedom so as personally to make moral decisions.” The Catechism goes on to state: “In the formation of conscience the Word of God is the light for our path; we must assimilate it in faith and prayer and put it into practice. We must also examine our conscience before the Lord’s Cross. We are assisted by the gifts of the Holy Spirit, aided by the witness or advice of others and guided by the authoritative teaching of the Church.”
Christ gives us freedom to explore our own conscience and to make our own decisions while adhering to the law of God and the teachings of the faith. Therefore, if a person has formed his or her conscience well, he or she should not be denied Communion, nor be told to go to confession before receiving Communion.
The pulpit is reserved for the Word of God. Sometimes God’s truth, as is the Church’s teaching on abortion, is unpopular. All Catholics must be aware of and follow the teachings of the Church.
We should all come together to support the President-elect and all elected officials with a view to influencing policy in favor of the protection of the unborn child. Let us pray for them and ask God to guide them as they take the mantle of leadership on January 20, 2009.
I ask also for your continued prayers for me and for the Diocese of Charleston.
Office of the Administrator
119 Broad Street · Charleston, South Carolina 29401
Post Office Box 818 · Charleston, South Carolina 29402 · Phone (843) 958-2150 · Fax (843) 958-2152
Office of the Administrator
119 Broad Street · Charleston, South Carolina 29401
Post Office Box 818 · Charleston, South Carolina 29402 · Phone (843) 958-2150 · Fax (843) 958-2152
Posted by jessica
1 Comment |
Politics,
Faith
This blog has been a blessing for me. Writing is a great release for me. Decades of experiences and ideas are screaming to be released. At this time words must be tempered. The battle ground is within eye sight. It is a terrifying image that lies out before me. Preparation is necessary, and orders are being waited on. It is difficult to be patient. The sound of the drum beats constantly in my ear trying to intimidate me from answering the call. It is not by my strength, but by His, I continue.
Crossing out
earasing
starting over.
black ink
blue ink
pencil.
sharpen
try again
over and over.
the words
are tangled
in the back
of the mind
unable to flow
from the heart
to the hand.
me - 9th grade
My words will wait in prayer for His time.
Thank you Lord for the strengh of your sheperds. You have given hope that there are strong leaders amoung us.“Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ’s Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation.”
Father Newman
http://www.stmarysgvl.org/ourparish/2008-dedication-of-the-lateran-basilica-in-rome
Thank you Lord for the wisdom and example of your saints.“Discouragement, anxiety and worry keep us away from our merciful Jesus. It is an offense to the Sacred Heart, this lack of confidence in His love and gracious bounty.”
Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini
http://catholicexchange.com/2008/10/22/114438/
